OK Cupid can be a great site to meet friends and potential mates. There are tons of questions to answer so you can be given a percentage match to other users, and you can compare your answers to theirs to see where you hit and where you miss. Unlike many other similar sites, OKC tailors to people like me that fall outside the norms. I am able to specify that I am bisexual, that I am in an open relationship, and that I am atheist – all of these things prove much more difficult (if not impossible!) to indicate on other sites.
Unfortunately, even with OKC’s ability to give each user a compatibility rating to other users and methods of comparison, it does not prevent people from ruining things right off the mark with oftentimes cringe-worthy first messages. I have encountered 5 common types of messages which get automatically thrown out or openly mocked upon reading.
1. Sex Request/Demand/Offer: Unless you have read a woman’s profile and it blatantly says that she welcomes these types of messages from strangers then do not do it. When someone sends me a blatantly sexual message, even if the person is not intending to be creepy or harassing, it is an automatic *never*. I do not know you, and now that you have sent that message, I never will get to know you. For most women on dating sites, if a man sends a sex message it usually means one of two things: either he did not read her profile OR he read it and he does not care about she wants. Reading my profile or the questions I responded to would have already told this person that I have no interest in sexual advances from strangers, anyone who sends me a message like this is telling me that their needs override my needs and my comfort; their sexual urges are prioritized over my need to trust someone before engaging in sexual interactions. *Bonus Bad Move: seeing that a woman is bi-sexual thus assuming that she will engage in a threesome with you and your girlfriend/wife. Don’t do it!*
Repeated sex requests from strangers is what drives away so many women from dating and social sites like OK Cupid. These guys aren’t just ruining it for themselves, they are also ruining it for the many decent men who also use these sites.
Try This Instead: Read through her profile and find a point or two where you can relate to each other. Reference said common interest in your first message to her. This says that you have read her profile and that you give a shit that the two of you have something in common. Making a connection via shared interests instead of making sex requests makes it *far more likely* that the sex thing will happen some day in the future.
2. You Haz Pretty: Am I supposed to get schoolgirl excited because generic man sends generic compliment of my appearance? What is so interesting and special about you that I should give two flying fucks about what you think about my appearance? You are a stranger and I do not care if you find my appearance appealing. Honestly it seems really idiotic to assume that a woman will take interest in you simply because you sent her a token compliment and your phone number. My assumption about this kind of person is that they do not think very highly about women, and hope that her self-worth is low enough to take the bait from any fool that says ” U R Pretty”. *Bonus Bad Move: Contacting a person to whom you are only a 10% Match and 0% Friend. Don’t do it! Personally, I have found that a minimum of 70% Match makes personal connection plausible.*
Try This Instead: If you like giving compliments, read through her profile and her responses to the questions to find out what her accomplishments are and give her props on that. Or if you like her choice in books, movies, music, etc. then compliment her on her fine taste in culture. Compliments on appearance come off as lazy, but if you absolutely must give a compliment about physical appearance I think complimenting a person’s sense of style is the best route.
3. Bizarro World Compliment : a.k.a “negging”. This is a backhanded compliment, it is intended to make the woman feel like she has to prove herself to the man. It is manipulative, messed up shit. If you neg I will screen grab your message with your picture and name in tact and post it for other people to see and mock. The entire point is to prey on insecurities of the targeted woman, with the hopes that she will feel grateful that someone with her flaws is able to have the pleasure of the Predator’s attention. There is a “movement” called Pick-Up Artistry which educates men on how to get vaginas to land on their dicks, and “negging” is an actual technique taught by Pick-Up Artists. Of course, this shit does not work in getting women to sex with men, all it does it takes money from the pockets of desperate men and put it in the professional Pick-Up Artist’s bank account. *Bonus Bad Move: Creepy usernames. So your name is “getinbaby”? You better be offering me some really awesome candy to be getting in that windowless white van. You think it sounds clever, but it doesn’t so don’t do it.*
Try This Instead: If someone is desperate enough to use negging to get a woman to want their company, then they need to consider pulling a Henry David Thoreau and get their ass to Walden for some reflection time. Either that person thinks of women as subhuman OR they are so damn desperate to get their wankers touched that they will sink to the level of taking a figurative shit on a fellow human being in order to get off. Either way, it reads as pathetic. Do the world a favour, and do some self-reflection, learn a new skill, build up your self-esteem and self-worth THEN take another try at entering the world of adult relationships.
4. Eeyore: The best way to describe this is as “self-negging”. The point of this tactic is not entirely clear to me, perhaps he is trying to use pity as a means of attracting the ladies? My guess is this sort of self-deprecation is due to being a long time online dater with little or no results. I do have sympathy for them, and it makes me feel angry at OKC douchenozzles that create an atmosphere that puts women on the defensive when trying to navigate online dating communities. *Bonus Bad Move: With an 82% Match, he could have found something that we had in common to try to connect on. There is no reason to be self-defeating when you are a high match with the other person. Self-negging – don’t do it!*
Try This Instead: If you have a high percentage match to someone, simply find where you have a common interest and bring said common interest to her attention. Then ask her a question about something that seems important to her. Also, go through the messages that you have been sending out and see if you have been making any of the other cringe-worthy moves I’ve mentioned so far.
5. Greetings! I Now Pass the Burden of this Conversation on to You.: At best you can expect a “hello” in return. Most likely you will leave her thinking that you are simply just too lazy to bother figuring out something to talk to her about… which is pretty sad considering how much information OKC makes accessible about each user. Don’t be the guy who says hi then waits for her to carry the rest of the conversations. You approached her, you have the “burden” of having to present something that makes her want to reciprocate in the conversation. *Bonus Bad Move: 10% Match, 96% Enemy, not reading my profile or comparing our responses, and a creepy screen name. Multiple party fouls in one play – don’t do it! Also, read a fucking science book. Evolution is not a belief you moron.*
Try This Instead: Muster up as much energy as you can to type more than 4 keys, find a common interest, bring this common interest to her attention, and ask her a question about something that seems important to her. Come on, man. It’s easy mode.
There is no reason to be committing any of these OK Cupid Cringe Tactics. If you are not having success with online dating, review the messages you have been sending out and be ready to change your approach. You see someone that interests you, you need to give them a reason to reciprocate. Seeing a picture that makes your penis tingle is not enough – read her profile, figure out if you even have anything in common and make sure that you two don’t have any deal breakers (such as her being bi-sexual and you believing that homosexuality is a sin). Once that is out of the way, then let her know that you two share an interest or have something in common AND ask her a question about something in her profile or question responses. By engaging her based on the things that she has said in her profile, you are indicating that there is an interest in her as a person. Almost all of the messages that women receive contain at least one of the cringey techniques mentioned above. When someone goes to the effort of referencing the content of my profile and treating me like a person (and not just a picture that he finds nice to look at) then I am often happy to respond in kind.
I hope you find success in your dating adventures. More online dating tips are coming soon. In the meantime, be good to each other. And don’t be this guy…